38 Moments
by SunShineFades
Summary: The 38 moments that River Song and the Doctor think of each other thoughout their relationship.


_**38 Moments**_

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_01 Comfort_

River Song was not one to want comfort, usually at least. She had to be strong for others and she _was_ strong. She was Amelia and Rory Pond's daughter after all. But today as she looked at her Dad (Rory the Roman who did not even know about being her Dad yet) she asked for it. Not in words but in sharing a secret fear. The fear that one day her Doctor, the man she had been in love with since she was a small child would not know her. She was not over dramatizing when she said it would kill her. She would rather take his confusion, his hate, even his disinterest as long as he knew who she was or at least who he thought she was.

Rory looked back at her with compassion in his eyes and that almost killed her as well. She was long pass the point of compassion. She had complicated and almost destroyed too many lives including her father's to deserve compassion. She just prayed before this was all over that she would not have ruined them. Ruined her parents or the Doctor's (Especially the Doctor's) life- she loved them too much (It hurt her sometimes as to how much). And that was the one fear that she would never ask comfort for from even her Dad, it was too _personal_.

* * *

_02 Kiss_

The first time she kissed him, he had been so nervous that instead of pulling her close, he had flailed his hands around. He had not been sure where to put them; whether to tangle them into her hair or not. Whether he could place them on her waist or her back as she moved her lips over his. He was not even sure if he was allowed to touch his tongue to hers. And before he could make up his mind, she pulled away.

The look she gave him when he mumbled interesting, made him want to redo this moment, but make it _better_. To push her against the cell wall and tangle his hands into her hair. To pull her close while his hands explored her spine and shoulders. To tangle his tongue with hers like it was a game, but he stopped himself right before putting in the coordinates. He had promised her that he would not change a single moment, and if he was to obey _her_ (This person he was starting to think he could fall in love with) he could not even change this… what he was sure was his worst attempt at a first kiss ever. Hopefully he would have more chances to make it up to her. Other first kisses. He was a time lord after all and there was always new firsts.

* * *

_03 Soft_

He was the Doctor and with the bearing of that title came many adventures. He had believed that he had understood what soft was. He who had been to cloud plants and ran his hands over their feather fields. He who had met creatures whose handshakes were like silk. He who wore cool bow ties that were soft on his fingers as he placed them around his neck. But that was before this moment. As he twirled a curl of her hair around his finger; he decided that he had nothing to compare it to. And that he was thinking way too much about River Song (Who may not even be trustworthy; she knew too much about impossible things _and_ thought she knew him).

He also decided than that he was _not_ going to fall in love with her. Imagine the trouble he would be in if she and her _soft_ hair was around all the time. Tons he was sure, because she was a bad bad girl.

* * *

_04 Pain_

River felt pain as she pulled the Doctor to her as he cried. She knew as she held his shaking shoulders that he would not get over this. The losing of her parents. River tried to breathe as she rethought that-the losing of her parents. She would never get to see Amy and Rory again. The people that had been her best friends, parents, and idols. The ones that she had prayed for when she had been a lonely little girl in a orphanage where the monsters had been real and did more than bump in the night.

She had lost something that meant so much. But as the Doctor breathed shakily against her neck; she wondered if he had lost something more. If he had lost his faith in the ideal that loving life could overcome hardships. She hoped with all her hearts that he was not reforming the belief that the world was out to torment him. To punish him for whatever misdeeds he believed he had done in that crazy head of his. River clung to him and hoped that he at least knew that she was there. Sharing the pain with him as her hearts broke into smaller pieces with each breathe.

* * *

_05 Water_

River had always loved water. She loved the way it could engulf her like a haven. Perhaps her name was the reason she thought of it as a second home. However as she sunk into the water in a astronaut suit, she knew that she would now hate water. It was the reason she had surprised the Doctor, it was the reason that she had been allowed to escape, and her Doctor was probably burning to ashes on it somewhere. Her Doctor that she loved was dead…River cried a single tear as she looked at the element around her. As she sunk deeper into dark depths, she had time to think and let her hate burn bright like a star dying in one final burst of light.

Madame Kovarian would pay for this. And River Song would make sure she paid with agony. No, Melody (The more violent of her regenerations) would make _sure_ it was the same amount that she had felt when the Doctor had fallen to the ground. But for now she pulled the hate close to her breast as the currents crashed around her.

* * *

_06 Rain_

The Doctor pulled her close and laughed at her expression. Sure it was cold and dripping into their clothes but who did not like dancing in the rain. To distract her from his giggling at her, he twirled her out and back in a fancy waltz move. But he had misjudged the force needed. River crashed into him with a bang and her teeth collided with his as their lips got pressed together. He heard himself squeak and he tried to pull away, but River freed her hands from his and tangled them around his neck.

He would say this much about their make out secession, he would never look at rain the same way again.

* * *

_07 Handcuffs_

River sighed as the handcuffs rubbed against her wrists. Did they really have to restrain her every time? It was not like she tried to escape them...most of the time.

She had just thought up some wonderful new cuss words for the clerics when footsteps interrupted her musings. The Doctor stepped up beside her and shuffled his feet as he looked at her. River could not stop herself from teasing him. It was too easy when he was this young. And if she was not mistaken he enjoyed the idea of them playing with handcuffs (Even if he did blush). She would have to bring that up to an older him later. Ahh the events that discussion would lead to (River smirked as her mind raced).

Her mind raced even more as he begged her to tell him what they would be doing in the future. She had to stop herself from giving anything away. He looked so desperate and it tugged at her hearts. She made herself smile with pouty red lips when all she _could_ give him was the name of their next adventure.

She hated lying to the man; even if only by omission. It made her feel guilty and she _absolutely_ hated feeling guilty when wearing handcuffs.

* * *

_08 Happiness_

The Doctor looked into her dark green eyes and felt his hearts leaping with joy. He was finally getting to marry River Song. It was not the marriage ceremony he had pictured, but it was so them that he could make himself really mind. Even the tears in her eyes could not mask that she felt the same overwhelming joy. Happiness at the idea that they would belong to each other. In a legal binding way that no one could question (He would make sure there was a wedding certificate somewhere).

The Doctor felt such contentment, he did not even flail his hands when she pounced on him. He wanted to kiss her just as much as she did him. He only wished that he was not in the Teselecta suit, but that could not be helped. He kissed her and focused only on her as time speed up around them; echoing the beating of his hearts.

* * *

_09 Telephone_

River should have known that he would never answer his telephone, but it was still annoying. There was now only one way she could think to contact him that would actually work and to do it she would need a blow torch. A homing box would also come in handy since the man liked to keep score and was sure to see it at some point in the future in one of his museums.

As she burned the marks on the box; she wondered what he would think about her greeting. Even though she understood the gravity of using Old High Gallifreyan- '_Hello Sweetie'_ was her favorite way of twisting him up. He seemed to take it as a insult sometimes and wonderful flirting at others. This time she was sure it would lead to his grumpy face and that amused her greatly.

It amused her so much; she could not stop herself from winking at the camera. That would be sure to wind him up. Her mother would approve she was sure.

* * *

_10 Eyes_

The Doctor wondered if River understood how much she gave away with her eyes. She could keep her face expressionless, but her eyes told stories every time she looked at him. They told him when she was feeling happy, sadness, guilt, anger, and once they had been so hallow that he had ran away in fear. Her eyes were more than just a open book to him though. They were also one of her best features.

It had been her eyes that had first attracted her to him. The spark of intelligence in them had made him smile even as he had hated the way she had acted like he was a dog that would come to heel on command. Her eyes had held him in thrall when she had teased him and when she had explained that she had killed a man that was the best man she had ever known.

The only bad thing about her eyes was that they were the last thing he had seen when she had died in the Library.

* * *

_11 Names_

River pushed the Doctor down on the bed. He was giggling in short bursts because of her tickling. He wiggled sharply underneath her and tried to get away. But she continued to tickle his ribs and the spot on his side that had him gasping. She was having such fun that she almost missed when he got a strange look in his eyes. Almost but it was so different from his usual looks that her fingers paused as she stared back.

After a moment filled with tension he leaned forward and whispered a important thing in her ear.

_His name_.

His true name; the one he had on Gallifrey. She stopped tickling him and instead kissed and nipped at his neck. He had given her a gift and she wanted to give him one in return. She whispered the name that she had figured was as close to a true name for her as possible into his ear when she paused for breathe. It was a strange combination of _Melody Pond_, _Melody Zucker_, and _River Song_ but it was hers. The second her voice breathed the syllables she felt doubt and a small amount of fear. It not as melodious or as neat as the Doctor's. If anything it was a messy scrawl next to practiced calligraphy but she hoped he loved it like she loved his.

His kiss filled with a burning love, awe, and need was his answer.

* * *

_12 Sensual_

The Doctor knew he was an awkward creature in this regeneration. He was easily embarrassed by things the past hims would have taken in stride. He was awkward in some of his mannerisms, the way he walked, and his expressions. But the main thing that he was edgy about was women. A lot of women could make him blush by just touching him. Do not even get him started about when they tried genetic transfer. But no woman made him as nervous as Professor River Song.

She was sensual in everything she did. The way she walked would have him hurrying so he could keep up even as he peeked a look. The way she kissed had him stammering and trying to keep up. And sometimes when she looked at him, he had to remind himself that the universe needed saving and she was a hat murder.

The most sensual thing about River though was her teasing. Or maybe he should call it flirting. He remembered one instance in perticular. He had been farther along on their time line so he had started _dancing_ with River. It was quite enjoyable. However sometimes it was so enjoyable he forgot to pick up afterwards. Well one time, a younger River (Who he was not dancing with) had found lacy red underwear on the floor of the TARDIS. The teasing she had given him had made him flinch and had his ears bright red for days.

Oh she was sensual all right. The bad bad girl.

* * *

_13 Death_

River knocked him out as hard as she could. If this part of him died than he could never become _her_ doctor. She could not even think of that with out a shudder. The Doctor was the most important person in her life and if he did not exist (Any of him- not just the version she had fallen in love with first) than she did not want to be in that life. She started the time count as quickly as possible. She knew he would wake up soon and she wanted to be sure he would not be able to stop her.

He screamed at her and begged but River managed to concentrate on her shaking hands and the beating of her hearts in lull of talking to him. It was not until the last few seconds that she allowed herself the luxury of asking him the most important thing.

___'Not those times. Not one line. Don't you dare.'_

She got her answer in his pain filled eyes. He would become her doctor and they would live.

They would live a life that was not a fairytale. A life that did not start with once upon a time or end with happily ever after.

But they would get to live.

And that was something she would die for.

* * *

_14 Magic_

He knew that his companions saw him as magic. They thought that since he was a alien in a box that was 'bigger on the inside' that he could solve all their problems. That saving the universes was as easy as he made it seem. That even when they saw no solution that he would save the day. He enjoyed that they thought that. He was vain enough and knew himself well enough to admit that.

River Song was different. She looked at him and saw more than a mad man with a blue box. She saw a man that she loved. She understood that sometimes his solution hurt more people than it helped. She understood that he had dark corners and pieces of his soul that he never wanted anyone to see. She even seemed to understand that he hated himself sometimes with a passion (The Dream Lord was prove of that). But even if she had not understood, the Doctor knew she would love _him_. The Doctor. The Oncoming Storm. John Smith.

And that was what made him love her in return. And love her in the same way. As Melody Pond _and_ Melody Zucker _and_ River Song. As a archeologist and a professor. As a mad woman that jumped off buildings and as the woman he married. He loved _her_ as a woman and knew he would until his last breathe.

* * *

_15 Touch_

He gasped when River came barreling towards him through space and landed _on_ him. After pushing her off with force while muttering her name; he managed to get to business with following the ship that she pointed at. He looked busy and focused. In contrast he felt slow and spacey. Why in the universes and galaxies did just her touch affect him like it did? It made him feel hot, bothered, and excited.

And he did not want to feel that way.

Not one bit. As she prattled around correcting him, her fingers brushed his. It was like a shock to his system.

Okay so maybe he liked it a little. But just a little. A very small _little_ little, like the smallest creature on Verda 68. And no he is not lying to himself.

He moves as far from her as possible after the incident.

* * *

_16 Weakness_

Melody had been programed to not have weaknesses or at least to think she had none. Upon her first meeting of the Doctor she learned she had several. He caused her to have the weakness of irritation when he would not die and seemed to know what she was thinking before she did. He also called her River Song which was _not_ her name. Another weakness he caused her to feel was guilt as he laid on the steps and begged her, literally begged her the person that had poisoned him to save her parents.

But the weakness that he most caused in her was love. When he had whispered in her ear a simple phase that later she would look upon as almost like a benediction. _Tell River Song that I will love her completely and forever. Always and forever._

When she had learned that she was River Song (That woman that he kept calling for and loved with such devotion) she could not stop the feeling that shot through her. She also could not stop herself from saving him with her parents painfully hopeful permission. He needed to be alive so that she could tell him that she loved him too. Always had and always would.

* * *

_17 Tears_

He had always hated tears. In children and in himself. They had always seemed like a defeat to him. He was forced to change his mind as he curled around River on their wedding night. Yes he was crying but it was as much for joy as it was for sadness. It was not a defeat but a realization. The way she moved with him, kissed him, called his _name, _cemented in his mind that he loved her.

That made it even harder to think of the Library. The place that would rip her away from him. For now though he tried to ignore that and concentrate on her skin, moans, and her- _his_ River Song. The woman he had married.

If tears dotted her skin, she knew him well enough not to mention it.

* * *

_18 Speed_

River ran away as fast as she could. If she was caught, she would face more than Stormcage. She would die and that was not acceptable. She had a date with the Doctor after all. He had been babbling about multiply moons and three solar eclipses when she had called. She had made him promise to bring Jimmy Dodgers before hanging up. And if these robot men stopped her from enjoying the taste of strawberry jam on his tongue she would... she would kill them. Multiple times with her bare hands.

The sound of the TARDIS brakes made her grin and her hearts leap. Yes he was early for once but she cannot bring himself to mind. It just meant that he saved her from death _and_ that he was as excited for their date night as she is. He opens the TARDIS door and ushers her in with a giggle that travels along her skin like a caress. The kisses he peppers along her jaw and earlobe is electric. He never even seems to notice the silver Cybermen or the paper she slips into her back pocket.

She wonders if it is because he knows that she is always running towards him. Or that he always grabs her hand and rans with her farther. Among the stars and away with a speed that is breathtaking in its joy.

* * *

_19 Wind_

The wind tosses her hair around but he can ignore that as he feels his anger sweep through him. Its so bright and hot that he could almost call it hate. Almost. He knows that hate is actually sharp and icy cold. He feels it every time he sees a Dalek. But right now he feels such a strong dislike for this woman. For this _murder_.

He had trusted her and she had betrayed him. Father Octavian had let him know about her little secret. The reason that she had been sent to prison and it was not for being a thief like he had thought. No she had turned out to be a cold blooded murder. Like the enemies he fought against every day. But worst because she pretended to care for him and for other people.

She glanced at him and he watched as the blood drained from her face. She knew what he was feeling. She knew that he was no longer making excuses for her transgression in his head. The only thing he was sure she did not know was that he was going to change this time line. There was no way he was going to marry a murder.

* * *

_20 Free_

Melody shivered as she walked down the alleyway. She had figured out she was in New York City but not when. She also was starting to believe that she was getting sick. Sometimes coughs wrecked her body and she have to bend over double to try and keep her body together. She just hoped she could find someone soon. Heck she would take the Evil man in the box right now. At least she would not be alone.

She gasped as she saw movement up ahead. When she got closer to the motion; she felt her hopes drop like a pit in her stomach. It was not someone that could help her. Just a man rummaging through the garbage. But even though she knew he was only human and she did not have time to explain-she showed him her secret. The gold dust flowed away from her in a burst and she felt like crying. It was not from the pain though it did hurt. No, it was because she had just realized something that could change everything. The old man was babbling about her having a new face and that meant…that she was free. No one from the orphanage would know who she was and that meant that she was...

Free from Madame Kovarian and free to find her parents. And possibly that mad man in that really pretty blue box. She thinks it was called a TARDIS. It seemed to be the only cool thing about him.

But not right away. She had some growing up to do first.

* * *

_21 Life_

He kissed her mouth with a strength that surprised him. He had always thought he would be less desperate when he got to this point. He _had_ thought he would be like River had been when he had been younger. But he was being rough. Dragging her into his adventures and dragging her lips onto his. He tried to stop but he knew he was getting closer to where she would leave him for the Library and he just wanted these last few dates to last forever. For it to be forever before he had to take her to to the singing towers.

She laughed against his mouth and he sighed as her teeth bite his bottom lip. He really wondered what he tasted like to her. Because for him she tasted like time, universes and galaxies spinning, and _life_. Pure sunlit filled life and he knew that he would never ever get enough.

* * *

_22 Jealous_

River had never seen herself as a jealous person. After all, her husband was always being kissed by his companions. That had never bothered her. However, after their wedding, she found she was jealous of the other women he had married on earth. The list went on from Calamity Jane to Marilyn Monroe and beyond. And she decided she was going to change that.

The first wig she would need to wear would be a slick blonde bob. Ohh she would get to wear white. That was new.

She would try to not enjoy this _too_ much.

* * *

_22 Hands_

His hands had been one of the first things to attract her to him. After she had shoot his ship, he had flailed his hands about and acted like a small kid as he placed his hands on levers and buttons. He kept glaring at her like it was her fault that she had shot the gun. He had said they were in a state of temporal grace. Its not her fault he lied.

His hands touched her body like she was precious on their wedding night and they told a story. The way he explored and mapped out her body so gently spoke levels about his character and the man he had made himself. And the things he did with his hands made her breathless. She would not be letting him out anytime soon and no one could fault her for that.

The only bad thing about his hands was that they were the last thing she saw in the Library. That and his pain filled eyes begged her to stop. He had kept reaching towards as if he could stop her. As if he could make the count down stop by his will alone. Oh she loved him for it and that was entirely his fault.

* * *

_23 Taste_

The Doctor shoved Amelia into the TARDIS and ran towards the bakery he had seen in Leadsworth earlier. If he was to save himself from Amelia's _advances._ He would need to get her back with that man with the nose…what was his name. Ahh Rory that was it. The nurse's name had been Rory. And it started with an R like for Roman. What about that seemed weird…Roman Rory…Rory the-. No he had to focus. It would take a lot of skill to make someone put him in a cake. Humans always seemed to cluck on about sanity issues and things.

He smiled at the oldish cake lady and slipped her what he hoped was the earth equivalent of a fifty dollar bill. She nodded and ushered him into a pink cake with silver embellishments. Not what he would have picked for a bachelor party. But hey he did not have to see the outside of it for long. And he would get to ruin it for a good purpose. Right now he stuck his finger to the insides and tasted. Ewehhh too sugary.

He waited what seemed an eon before he heard voices. And yet they sounded wrong. Womanish and high pitched. Well maybe Rory had invited women to his party. How was he to know what people did in the twentieth century on these occasions? He pushed at the upper layers of the cake and popped out.

Into a pink room with too many woman in it. In masks and skippy dresses. Had the Baker Woman given him up to a bachelorete party? He blushed as a woman in a black mask and vast amounts of curly hair fumbled his hair. He felt irritation at that. He was not some plaything! But as she moved closer he was hit with the inkling that she was familiar. Something about that hair. That very curly and vast amount of hair.

But before he could think on it to much, he was running for the door. Back to the bakery. Except this time he would have to be more specific about his instructions. It would be embarrassing to hop out of the wrong cake. _Again_.

* * *

_24 Devoted_

River tried to pull away as the Silence and the Clerics pulled her towards the astronaut suit. She would not do this. She would not kill the man that she loved. She had escaped and learned how wrong the silence teachings were. She would not obey them now. Not when she knew that the Doctor loved her. Not when she loved him back with the same amount of devotion.

Yet even as she struggled; she could still hear Madame Kovarian's evil laugh. It sent a chill down her spine. Kovarian laughed like she had already won. Like it was a fixed point that River kill the Doctor and that more than anything that made River strike back. She hated fixed points. They usually never meant things were going to be good.

* * *

_25 Forever_

He pulled her closer and closer as the night worn on. She did not resist. If anything she was the one that kept tucking her head closer into his shoulder. It was almost like she could sense that they were coming towards the end. That soon she would be going to her demise. Oh how he wished it was not true and that he could have her for forever and beyond. But even he knew that this point could not be changed. He had already seen her die after all. But he keep pulling her close like it would make a difference.

And he cried. ohh how he cried.

* * *

_26 Blood_

Melody screamed as she watched her mummy shot at her. Why would her mummy do that? Why was the man with the bow-tie so important? She looked down at where the bullet was and cried at the blood that soaked down her skin in rivulets. She was going to die. Die before she got to truly know her mummy and daddy. Die before she got to get rid of the evil man and save the universes. She was going as no one special and that was not fair!

Melody remembered that past pain as she kissed the Doctor with her special lipstick. She watched her mother closely in the corner of her eye. The gun was still in plain sight and she did not feel like getting shot again. Once was enough in a lifetime. As she told the Doctor what she had done;she wondered if he would find life unfair as he breathed his last. She wondered if they would have that in common.

* * *

_27 Sick_

The Doctor felt sick as he watched River screaming as the Teselecta made her feel hell. No one was allow to hurt her like that. She was his and she was brilliant. She did not deserve what they were doing to her. Even if she had murdered someone. He was sure that she had a good reason. She was River Song. She always had a plan or a reason.

He cried out as the poison slunk through his blood stream. It was starting to burn now and his left heart hurt. It was beating weirdly. But he could deal with all of that. What he could not deal with was River screaming. He barely heard himself threating the people in the suit. He knew if he had been in less pain that he would have been begging. River Song was his and no one should hurt her.

It made him absolutely sick that he would be the reason that she would hurt herself permanently in the future. Worse of all, that he would not love her in that moment. She would be alone when she died. While he was surrounded with three people he loved dearly and with all his hearts.

It was not fair. He hoped he could make it right someday. Ahhhh that hurt. If he survived this poison.

* * *

_28 Melody_

Sometimes she would sit and wonder why her Mum had named her Melody. Did she look like a princess? Well...she looked down at herself. Right now she looked like a rebel. Or at least a rebel for Leadsworth. With a too short skirt and a tight tank top coupled with a jean jacket. And she could never forget the shoes. She looked down at her combat boots with a smile. But truly she did not dress like a princess and never acted like one so what had Amy seen that had made her pick Melody?

She was pulled out of her thoughts as Amy went on and on about her friend the Doctor. Mels could not resist teasing her for it. She asked the same question she did time after time. And got the same answer that she got time after time. It never got old.

_'Is he hot? No he's funny.'_

Later when she met him; she had to admit that he was hot _and_ funny. And that he knew Amy and Rory really well. She wondered if _he_ knew the reason her Mummy dearest had picked this name.

* * *

_29 Home_

He had always felt like he did not have a home anymore. He used to have Gallifrey but not now. Perhaps never again. But he always kept looking for that feeling of home. That feeling of not being alone. As he walked along the snowy streets towards the Ponds' home. He wondered if maybe he had finally found it. That sense of belonging.

He was assured of it when Amy sprayed him with a water pistol and River giggled behind her. Yes he found a home with his new family. With the Ponds and one Song. His. Always and forever until stars died and plants evaporated. And than still his. His family.

* * *

_30 Confusion_

She looked at it and it stared back in confusion. The Dalek accessed the records she requested and than started in on the begging. They always begged when they learned what she was. The wife of the killer of the Daleks. The woman who had no mercy for their kind. They were the reason that the Doctor had lost his first family and his people. They were the reason he was always tormented by guilt even when he smiled.

And for that reason, she shot the Dalek with no mercy in her eyes. Instead she felt a grim sort of satisfaction. It had died. Maybe one day she could make the Doctor's torment die too. She would use more pleasant ways though. Perhaps a kiss? Perhaps multiple kisses?

* * *

_31 Afraid_

The Doctor ran as fast as he could through the maze of hallways. He had to save her before it was too late. It was what the future him wanted and what he wanted too after seeing her bravery. She deserved more than being gone in a burst of light. If he had time he would have gone through this journal and made a memorial of her favorite memories. But he did not so he did not. Instead her ran with her one last time.

_'You watch us run. Through all of space and time. You watch us run.'_

He plugged her in and sighed with relief as the bars of her conscious got absorbed into the computer. He hoped that she liked her new life. He was afraid she would hate it. He would not be able to ask unless a future him joined her. He wondered if he would. He did not know how deeply his future him felt about her. This mystery woman who would be his future wife. He put that aside to be thought of another date far far in the future and grabbed the sonic and dairy that she had left.

The only memorial he could give her was that future sonic laying on her dairy of his future. He hoped she would have approved.

* * *

_32 Bond_

From that first day she had met her (The TARDIS) she had felt a bond. The Doctor called her a child of the TARDIS. For years she had been unsure what that meant. Much later as the Doctor pushed her to the TARDIS floor and grasped at her clothes while kissing her neck, she believed she finally understood. She had been created here in this space ship that was more than a space ship. She had been forged here when she had taken it for her first flight. And her hearts would always reside her as long as the Doctor choose this as his home. How could she not been its child when it claimed her with all the things she treasured?

* * *

_33 Technology_

The Doctor was a man that loved technology. He liked blinky and gleamy things. Things that whirled and twisted. They were cool. But he hated guns. They hurt people and made too much noise and just- just were horrible. So he did not understand why the sight of River Song with a gun could make him hot under the collar. Why he could flirt about her taking members of the Silence out with her _gun_. But he did and whats more, she flirted right back. They probably would have continued with the one upping each other and the lack of personal space if Amy had not caught their attention.

Yes he hated guns, but River's he loved because it was hers, and she used it so gracefully. Which he should not be excited about.

* * *

_34 Smile_

She smiled at him and expected him to smile back. Instead he stared at her with confusion. He stared at her as if he did not know who she was and it scared her. She asks him about it later, if he knew who she was. He stared back at her blankly in response. She felt it than, what she had told Rory she would feel. A part of her died slowly and with jagged edges. She tried to breathe around that dead part but it was impossible.

He looked at her like he wanted to help her. Who know how much pain was on her face. She did know that her nails were creating bloody half moons in her palms. She had never wanted to get to this point. Screams irrupted in her head as she realized what she had to do.

She whispered his _name _in his ear. The absolute best gift he had ever given her. But this time she did not get to whisper her name back. This time there was no kisses and losing themselves in each other. No this time there was disbelief and fear.

There was only one thing that lessen her pain a little bit. The smallest bit like those creatures on Verda 68 that the Doctor had shown her in his future. Holding his hand was the same. He still held it with a strong grip and never loosen that grip as they ran.

A sad smile was on her face as she keep up like always. At least they could still run.

* * *

_35 Complete_

River arched her back as the Doctor touched her. It was her wedding night with him and she had never felt so alive. She had also never seen him so focused. He caught every moan in his mouth. His ears were pricked forward for her every whisper of his name. And his talented fingers helped her to move in an intricate dance with him. One that she wanted to last forever.

He cried when they finished and River wondered why. She had never felt more at home and happy than she did in this moment. Never more complete.

* * *

_36 Heaven_

She knew that CAL was suppose to be like a heaven for her. She could not see it that way though. The Doctor was missing and he was the only absolution and peace that she wanted. Beside that, she had never got to say goodbye. He had put her away like a book on a shelf. To gather dust in this memory bank why he ran around having his adventures. She was not even sure if he remembered her like she did him every moment in this purgatory.

When she was called to the conference with the Doctor's friends and Clara mentioned that she had not know that Professor Song was a woman; her musings had been answered. He did not think of her or speak about her. She tried to stop herself from crying. She was River Song and she only cried when she was helpless and she was never helpless. At least not any more especially since she was not even alive.

Her whole view of him changed later that day. He caught her hand and spoke to her. '_You are always here to me.'_

She felt tears in her eyes as he gathered her close and kissed her. This was her heaven. Right down to the '_Since no one else in this room can see you God knows how that looked'._ He was still her Doctor and he still loved her as much as she loved him.

It was with less fear in her heart that she whispered her goodbye. Hopefully they would see each other again soon.

But not too soon for her Doctor was always running a bit late. Even when he was running towards her.

* * *

_37 Hell_

He knew that he should go look for Donna but right now he allowed himself time to brood. Professor Song had killed herself to save so many people and no one as much as him. She had shown that with a muttered word and her smile even as she died. She had loved him and had placed him in what he considered his own personal hell. How incompetent was he if he could not save the person that would become his future wife?

He remembered the way her lips had felt against his ear when she had whispered his _name_. He remembered the way she had grasped for his hand as if they had and would always hold hands when running. And he remembered the thing that had started all this- the physic paper. He pulled it out and felt like he had been stabbed in the gut when it was blank. He had nothing left of her except the word '_spoilers'_ and the hollowness behind his eyes and in his hearts. He hated this and knew that a part of him would feel like hell until he saw her face again.

Because then maybe he could redeem himself. In some small way. He might even l-

Donna interrupted him and he was glad. Too many timey- wimey messy thoughts for the day. And yet he could not resist trying the snap to open the TARDIS doors. When the blue door unbolted itself he had to smile. That creak promised him the words_ soon _and_ hope_.

And that was enough.

For now.

* * *

_38 Supernova_

The Doctor was not one to want comfort, usually at least. He had to be strong for others and he _was _most of the time. He was the last time lord after all. He had seen most everything and he knew when he was worrying too much about unchangeable things. He knew to stop himself before he got too dark, without help most of the time. But today as he looked at Rory (Rory the Roman, the last centurion and the man with the nose) he asked for it. Not in words but in sharing a secret fear. The fear that one day his River Song, the first woman he had truly been in love with since the time war would forget him. He was not over dramatizing when he said it would kill him inside. He would rather take her puzzlement, her loathing, even her detachment as long as he knew who he was and loved him back.

Rory looked back at him with sympathy in his eyes and a weird look like he had been through this before with someone else. The Doctor tried to shrug it off. He did not need empathy and definitely did not deserve it. But as Rory continued to look at him, he had to admit he wanted it. He wanted someone to feel like he deserved it because he never would. He had complicated and almost destroyed too many lives including _hers_ to deserve sympathy. He just begged the universe that before this was all over that he would not have ruined them. Ruined the Ponds or any of his companions lives and not hers (Especially not her) life- he loved them too much (It hurt him sometimes as to how much). And that was the one fear that he would never ask comfort for from Rory, it was too _personal_.

As a supernova bursted in front of them, he knew of one person he would have shared it with, but she was gone.

He was left counting down the days until he did not need comfort because he would be with her. He would have her and she would have him.

His River Song. And her Doctor. Together Forever and Affinity.

_You watch them run. Through all of space and time together they would run. Someday together._

* * *

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